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Anodes Diner



Order Two

“Another round of coffee for me brothers and I, miss.” Jimmy slapped Nora’s butt when she walked by with his enormous hand and then looked across the table at Jasper. “I’m sure you want to hear what’s new.”

Jasper looked up at his three now giant siblings sitting with him. “There are just no words,” Jasper said. “No words a’tall.”

Jimmy tugged at his own very tight green jacket sleeves. “Even our clothes can’t handle our sizes anymore. And they’re made of magic threads!” Joey and Jonny smiled. Jasper noticed Jonny’s eye looked a little swollen. And was he missing a tooth?

“Anyway, dear brother, it all started yesterday, deep within the forest near the spot where we hide our pot ‘o gold…”


***

Jonny was faster than he looked. But the three men tracking them had decided to set traps throughout the forest and the extra bit of hard work paid off for them. The Leprechaun didn’t see a hidden tripwire until it was too late. He was now swinging upside-down from the rope snare that had entangled his left ankle and foot. The two men chasing him finally caught up, panting heavily. Jonny knew there was no way he could teleport now, since caught by the ankle. It seems his pursuers were aware of this tidbit of lore as well.

A Leprechaun can do no such magic when bound by anything other than his own attire. Reason being is that a Leprechaun’s clothing is woven together with magic, so it teleports with him. Teleportation is a fickle thing, like blinking. You take such things for granted unless there is reason you can’t. If there were a piece of string wrapped around Jonny’s finger, it would leave him as powerless as this noose around his lower leg. But he wasn’t about to tell his captors that, or any other information they didn’t absolutely need to know without killing him first. His brothers would be along to rescue poor Jonny, and that’s all he had to cling to as he swung like a piñata.

“Well, you slippery little monkey,” said the trapper, tying Jonny’s waving little hands. “Looks like our time in the Foreign Legion paid off! We’ve been trackin’ you for a while, runt.”

The dangling Jonny was upside-down, eye-to-eye with his captor, and took the opportunity to spit right in the full grown man’s face as he swung by. The trapper grabbed a broken tree branch and smacked Jonny’s head like it was a tee-ball. The third trapper, overweight, very pale and completely hairless, finally caught up with the rest of his team. “Wha’d I miss?” the Albino said after catching his breath.

“Oh, nothing much,” said the slugger while Jonny swung unconscious. “We was just gonna take our little friend here back to the shack and ask him a few questions on where his gold is hid.”


Jonny awoke to find his hands and feet wrapped to a chair with duct tape. His jaw hurt. The thieves began working him over until he told them the whereabouts of the gold he and his brothers kept. The trappers left their Albino to stand watch near the fire pit of the old shed. He looked at his bloody knuckles, then at the Leprechaun’s swollen face.

“You know if you’re lyin’ we’re gonna have to give you another round of that, right?”

“Aye,” said Jonny. He looked up at the windows and saw silhouettes of two derbies outlined in them. He glanced back at the Albino quickly and asked, “Do you really believe in the pot of gold legend, like your friends out there? I mean, what if my brothers and I are just some left behind carnie folk with an affinity for green suits? Bet you’d feel pretty lousy about ruffing me up, eh?”

The Albino shook his head. “No way, shrimp. You’re the real McCoy and I’m not falling for mind tricks. We’ve been watching you all for a while out here. Riding deers with your brothers, vanishing and then reappearing some other place. Who else wears green knickers and shoe buckles? I ain’t never seen a midget like you! But to answer your question, yeah, I would feel bad. But my crew and I have done worse.”

Jonny looked relieved. “Glad to hear it… GET ‘IM BOYS!!” 


***

The Albino was horrified to find himself now as a prisoner. How the tables had turned as three little men were gathered around his naked body, save for some briefs pulled down around the Albino’s knees. He was lying on his belly with bare bum pointed straight to the sky, hands tied to one supporting beam and feet to the other. How did this happen?

“We’ve got a little legend of our own back in Ireland,” said Jonny. He reached into his coat. The Albino, head turned to the side, saw him pull out something shiny. Was it a little gun? Is this really the end? Killed by these magical fellas, three times smaller than he was? The Albino let out a sigh of relief after recognizing the item he was being shown was a simple can opener. Jonny went over to the fire and opened the can of beans that was left on it. “We Leprechauns believe that only the flatulence of an Albino can break the curse of our short stature.”

Jimmy looked over at his beaten brother. “Good work, dear Jonny. You get to be the first to be testin’ our theory.”

“Thanks for that honor, but what if the legend does something else, like turn me into a lizard or something? I was the one that drew a short straw to have these dumb apes slap me around, while you boys took your sweet time getting’ over here.”

Joey chimed in. “Jonny’s right. I got us lost teleportin’ on the way here. I’ll go first.”

“Very well, I’ll go second since it was my plan to kidnap this bloke,” said Jonny.

“Wait a minute,” said the Albino. “You guys planned this whole thing?”

“Aye,” said Jonny. “If the legend turns out a myth, you’ll meet your end today. I’m sorry. But we’ll get over it.” With that, Jonny went over to the Albino and kicked him in the nose with his tiny buckled shoe. The man was gasping as Jimmy grabbed a wooden spoon from his pocket and began to feed his prisoner huge spoonfuls of beans.

After twenty minutes or so, the right consistency of wind was loudly roaring out of the Albino’s hind end in visible sparkly clouds of fog. Joey jumped through the putrid mist first, as planned. In midair, contact with the glittery puff turned him into a towering giant of six-foot-seven! Landing on the albino’s other side, he looked down at his new, powerful body. “It works!” Even Joey’s vocal chords deepened an octave or two. “Try it, my brothers,” he said in his new deep voice.

The other two had the same results.

“Now what do we do with this one?” Jonny asked.

“Let’s keep him. He’s far too valuable for our clan to let him go,” said Jimmy, peeling long strips of tape from the same roll of duct tape that once held his brother captive. “But I can’t say the same for his trapper buddies, they bein’ regular useless human and all.”


***

All the animals in the forest heard the screams of the two trappers who never got the chance to spend the gold they had found, as it magically vanished into thin air.

“Hey,” said Jimmy, “Let’s go into town. There’s a few things I want to do wit me new stature.”

“Aye,” said his brothers.

At daybreak, three huge Leprechauns shook the basketball courts of Anodes. The elderly had help reaching the highest shelves in the supermarket, and every bully in town was put in his place until the trio got hungry and decided to call their distant brother for lunch.


***

“…And that brings us here, dearest Jasper. We wanted to let you in on our good fortune! We got that Albino bloke in the trunk of our car and can get an order of beans, from this very eatery, to go,” said Jimmy. “Wasn’t it worth poppin’ in from the fields of Dublin?”

“Aye,” said Jasper. “It was worth crossin’ the Atlantic to find the Albino legend true. But what of any ill-effects to being as gigantic as you three? Why bring up so much attention with these humans? That’s certainly not the Leprechaun Way.” 

“Awe, piss off, Jasper! We’re tired of bein’ pushed around,” said Jonny. “Where’s your pot of gold, little Leprechaun? Aye, what funny little suits! Let us push these overgrown blokes around for a change, I say.”

“Well,” said Jasper, “I want no part of this.” He waved over to the waitress. “Check please!”

Nora set the check on their table as she hurried by. Jasper put a solid gold Doubloon on top of it and looked across at his kin. “Call me when you come back to your senses… and sizes!” With that, Jasper snapped his fingers and vanished back to their homeland.

Before Jimmy could spout out to his mates what a pompous fool Jasper was, a policeman charged into the diner, followed by the Albino. In only a pair of soiled underpants, dried beans caked to his face and duct tape clinging to his freed wrists, the Albino pointed to the world’s tallest Leprechauns. “Over there, sir!”

Officer Trolley ran over with his gun drawn. The trio arrogantly snapped their fingers. Surprised they had not teleported, it all made sense. They all realized in unison the side effect of their new girth was the inability to teleport. Their next shared thought was “What a crappy time to find this out.”


“You guys are gonna get me a promotion,” said Trolley as he cuffed Jonny. The officers at a nearby table assisted in arresting the other two Leprechaun kidnappers.

As the cops escorted the gangly suspects away, Nora looked down at the Doubloon on the table and picked it up. A trip to the pawn shop tomorrow morning might be worth my while. If so, this tip could be enough for a new provisional patent.